Looking For the Light–My Way

I’m generally a happy person, A piece of dark chocolate can make my day. Or a smile from a child.

But I’m struggling right now.

There’s a lot going on in my life and I’m trying to hold it all together.

But it’s hard.

Some days it’s harder than others.

I’m not sure what’s really got me down today in particular.

Maybe it’s my son heading off to college.

Maybe it’s the impending anniversary of my dad’s death.

Maybe it’s the tough times I’m facing in my marriage.

Maybe it’s the rain.

Maybe it’s all of these things.

Or, maybe it’s just a down day.

No, I know it’s more than that.

My birthday is coming up and that always has me taking a look back at decisions I’ve made, choices that led me to where I am now.

I’ve always insisted I would go through life “my way”, with no regrets.

I hate to admit that I derailed from that promise to myself.

I do have regrets.

I don’t know why that makes me mad instead of sad.

Maybe because it forces me to admit I made bad choices.

I don’t like acknowledging that.

And it takes away the unwavering confidence I’ve had for so very long.

Yes, when given options, I still choose “the right” path.

Don’t lie. Don’t cheat. Don’t steal. Don’t intentionally hurt other people.

Honor the Golden Rule.

So why doesn’t it feel “right” anymore?

And what will?

Don’t worry.  I’m not headed off to cry under the covers all day.

I will find my way through this.  I always do.

Just writing this, getting it out, has helped.

See, the hope is breaking through already.  I come by that naturally.  Thanks to a mother who confused virtues with names of saints, Hope is my middle name.

And guess what? The rain just stopped, too.
And I can see the sun.

(Special note: *Yes, “My Way” is one of my favorite songs…so much so that I wrote all the words to the song and put them in a frame by my bed when I was in college and kept it there for many years. It may be time to get that frame back out again. Here’s a link to Frank Sinatra singing it…in 1969, the year I was born. I can listen to it over and over. Elvis Presley sings a great version, too. Click here to hear that one.  I love the “bit off more than I could chew” line…along with “I did all that, and may I say, not in a shy way, oh no, not me”…if you know anything about me, you know I’m anything but shy.)