Honoring a Friend and Finding My Hope
My heart is filled with sadness this morning.
A fellow travel writer, Anita Mac, a gal I met while on a trip to Toronto earlier this year, also had a heart filled with sadness, and decided it was more than she could take last week.
She killed herself.
Her site was Travel Destination Bucket List. Her final post: What Do You Do With a Broken Heart?
She was 43 and it was written on August 22nd.
August 22nd is my birthday, the day I turned 44.
She traveled because she loved it, but also to escape a little from some of life’s difficulties. The travel allowed her to sometimes separate herself from the people who were hurting her, to create walls that made life feel a little safer.
Just like me.
She was aching over her father’s terminal diagnosis of cancer.
I’m still aching over my dad’s death from the same cruel disease.
She was in pain over a breakup and the betrayal she discovered that was underway in their relationship.
I’m coping with similar heartache.
Wondering if I caused it somehow.
And I have considered ending it all.
Like Anita, I am hurt. And I am hurting.
Anita doesn’t hurt anymore. She is now gone.
Just like that.
But that will not be me.
No. That will NOT be me.
I am turning my pain into lessons.
I am letting go of the anger.
Letting go of the hurt.
Letting go of the sadness.
Letting go.
I have realized the walls I so craftily created didn’t stop the hurt, no matter how much I wanted them to.
I have learned you have to let those you love inside the walls, inside the pain, so they can help you heal.
You have to forgive and let them love you again. And you have to love them again.
You can’t dwell on the bad. Acknowledge and embrace the good.
Travel can still be good. Better than good. Amazing. I will still travel.
The friends I’ve made around the world remind me I am never alone, no matter where I wake up. These people are precious to me.
But I also need people to come ‘home’ to.
I wish Anita had that.
I will not take mine for granted again.
My heart is filled with sadness this morning.
But it’s also filled with hope.
(Note to my friends and dear readers: Please, take this lesson and call or email a friend who you think might need the love. I promise, I am strong and know I am loved. I would really appreciate it if you reminded others in your life that they are loved, too. Who knows who you will touch today, or whose life you will save.)
August 28, 2013 @ 10:27 am
Oh, this makes me so sad for your friend and her family and people who loved her. I’m so sorry for your loss and for your hurt, too. I’m glad you have hope. Sometimes it’s the only thing we do have. Love to you.
August 28, 2013 @ 10:54 am
Hope is everything Jana… thank you my friend, for sharing your love to so many.
August 28, 2013 @ 10:44 am
This is the second post this week I have read about suicide. Thank you so much for sharing this. So sorry for your hurt, too. We all need to reach out to one another. So sad…
August 28, 2013 @ 10:55 am
It’s such an important topic. Nobody wants to talk about it, but how are we supposed to stop the hurt if we pretend it doesn’t exist?
August 28, 2013 @ 10:46 am
I read her last post yesterday and cried for the life of a traveller who decided to pass from this life. We must help each other seek out the hope. I love and appreciate this post from you.
August 28, 2013 @ 10:56 am
I cried, too, because I know how so many people see us as this ‘happy go lucky’ group… traveling can be wonderful… but not having someone to share your story with is very sad.
August 28, 2013 @ 10:46 am
I’m so sorry for your loss Desiree,
There really are no words. My brother killed himself many years ago leaving broken hearts that will never be mended. Life goes on and people say the memories fade. They don’t. But the pain does become more bearable. I’m so incredibly sorry.
Leslie
August 28, 2013 @ 10:57 am
I’m sorry for you, too, Leslie. Sometimes I don’t think people think choices through to the final consequences… I’m sure your brother would not have wanted you to feel such sadness. Let’s hope that sharing our story makes it easier on those sitting with the sadness still.
August 28, 2013 @ 10:55 am
Beautiful post Des! Broken heart and betrayal are really difficult to cope with, I too went through it.
One thing that was always in the back of my mind – my children. And I can never take their mommy away from them and with time, you find your smile and learn and move forward!
August 28, 2013 @ 10:59 am
Absolutely. I’m certain my children got me through my worst sadness. I’m hopeful about my future and the love I now feel…I just want others who don’t have that love to know they may find it one day…and to never give up.
August 28, 2013 @ 10:59 am
Thank you for writing this, Desiree.
August 28, 2013 @ 12:56 pm
You are welcome, Autumn. It was a struggle, to be perfectly honest. Life sure can get messy, huh?
August 28, 2013 @ 11:42 am
Stick to those words and live for the future and better days. So sorry for your loss, and lifting her, you, and anyone else who loved her in happy thoughts and prayers.
August 28, 2013 @ 12:55 pm
Thank you Julie. I like the idea of better days ahead and believe in them.
August 28, 2013 @ 12:08 pm
Des, I am so sorry for the loss of your friend, as well as the loss and sadness that you continue to feel in your life. I know, all too well, the loneliness of life lately, as well as the hardships. I “get” the feeling of how things would be better if it just ended, but as many others have said below….I then think of my kids, my Grandkids, the rest of my family, and know that I could never do that to them. Suicide is a very selfish thing to do, in my opinion, for ME. I so understand though that some people feel this is their only option and for them, I am sad. I also agree that if people do not talk about this side of life, these awful feelings of loss, sadness, heartbreak, etc., how will any of us ever heal? I am guessing that some people feel the way that I do. I don’t want to talk to others about what is going on in my head. I don’t want to be that “friend” who seems to do nothing but whine and complain. I try to just be happy, fun Sue, the one that is there for everyone else, always willing to do anything for you, etc. Not that I don’t WANT to be that way. I KNOW I am a good friend. I just wish I had that back…….Sue
August 28, 2013 @ 12:53 pm
I’m happy to be that person back for you Sue. You are wonderful and I’m happy to remind you any time you need it!
August 28, 2013 @ 12:08 pm
I am so sorry for you loss. You just never know what someone is going through. I like what you said about turning your pain into lesson. Something we can do and learn from.
August 28, 2013 @ 12:54 pm
Absolutely! I think it was a line from Lion King where they said ‘Put the past behind you.’ Maybe not exactly that. I’ve been very bad about dwelling on the negative and it’s unfair. I’m vowing to move beyond that now.
August 28, 2013 @ 12:12 pm
Thank you for sharing your heartfelt thoughts. At a loss for words that could measure up to what I am feeling. Thankful for the honesty and kindness in your post. Hugs to you!
August 28, 2013 @ 12:55 pm
I hope that you feel love. Your comment shows you are willing to share your love and I’d like to think your ‘love bucket’ is filled in return.
August 28, 2013 @ 2:55 pm
You are one of the strongest women I know, Des. And this pain will make you stronger still. Hugs to you across the miles.
August 28, 2013 @ 5:38 pm
Thank you Cindy. Hugs back at ya’!
August 28, 2013 @ 3:10 pm
*Applause*
August 28, 2013 @ 5:38 pm
and hugs!
August 28, 2013 @ 3:48 pm
Thank you. A powerful message and I will pass it on, and live it.
August 28, 2013 @ 5:38 pm
Thanks…maybe one life will change for the better because of it.
August 28, 2013 @ 4:35 pm
Pain is so hard. I have been there myself when life gets you down some don’t have the support or someone to turn to. I am so sorry about your loss
August 28, 2013 @ 5:38 pm
Sorry you’ve suffered…but you are more evidence that we can survive–and improve. 🙂
August 29, 2013 @ 9:28 am
This is such a touching post. I’m so sorry about the lost of your friend. Everyone should have someone to talk to. But its also hard when you feel judged and that people don’t understand
September 2, 2013 @ 7:23 am
Beautiful.