I Am Not Invisible
You don’t know me.
You think you do.
I see the judgment in your eyes. I hear the rumors you spread behind my back. I know you make assumptions.
But you don’t KNOW me.
And honestly, I don’t think I want to know you anymore, either.
Because a real friend would have offered comfort, instead of secretly criticizing.
A true friend would have said hello when she saw me, instead of pretending I was invisible.
A good friend would still invite me to her parties, even if it made others uncomfortable, because a good friend would know NOW is when I need a friend most.
Being separated and contemplating divorce, going through the heartache of what is best for me, my children, and even my husband, is grueling. Trying to figure out how much to forgive, what love can truly endure, whether to end it forever or give it yet another try…or how to go anywhere from here…it’s the toughest decision I’ve ever had to make. And I don’t have the only vote.
This place where I am now…it’s lonely.
And it’s easy for you to sit with your friends, to make my life your favorite new topic of conversation. But it’s not easy for me. It’s not easy to know you, whose children I’ve babysat, who I’ve hosted in my home for countless parties, or who I’ve spent time with on girls’ trips out of town, to know you now find fodder in my pain.
And how dare you pretend to know? You don’t have the details of what is happening between us. You think you know. But I promise you don’t. I’m trying to protect my children by not sharing every dirty detail of what has happened to my marriage, in my marriage, with the masses. I am trying to make this as pain-free as possible. But you…you are not helping.
You are not helping me get through my grief by sharing ‘the latest in my love loss’ at the bus stop.
You are not helping by discussing it with your girlfriends, in front of your children, who then repeat everything you say to my children.
My children will hear what they need to hear from us, their parents, so save your gossip. Try instead, to show them true friends stand by each other. They step up in times like these, and offer a hug, or a shoulder to cry on, stop by to share a smile. I don’t know about you, but I believe my children need to know that.
And you need to know that still being my friend doesn’t somehow put you in danger.
DIVORCE IS NOT CONTAGIOUS.
Spending time with me won’t make your marriage fall apart. And I promise, this sadness is the last thing I’d want to spread to you.
But being there for me. That would sure take a little of my sadness off my shoulders. It would mean the world to know you truly care. That you ARE a friend.
Because here’s the thing: one day, something is going to happen to you that is going to make you sad, too.
And your friends who find it so much fun to talk about me now, will be talking about you then.
And when they see you, they’ll pretend you are invisible. Because it makes them uncomfortable.
And you will realize.
They don’t know you.
Not really.
You will not be invisible then. And I am not invisible now.
February 16, 2014 @ 5:11 pm
So sorry someone you trusted and cared for is treating you this way.
February 17, 2014 @ 10:02 am
Joyce, I was hoping this would be a wake up call for others who know people going through hard stuff. The funeral I attended was a suicide. I wonder if that person also felt alienating by people who were supposed to be friends.
I should write another entire post about how much my online friends meant during this time. I told myself I could go to pretty much any city around the country and find a friend I’d met online who would take me in and give nothing but love for days. It’s just hard to feel those hugs through the web.
And those same online friends are THE MOST AMAZING WOMEN…who with their words alone outshine any act of cruelty done by the pretenders in person.
February 16, 2014 @ 6:31 pm
Those who people who are convinced divorce is contagious are not worthy of your friendship.
One of the the things that actually made me shed tears for/with my sister after her divorce was seeing the parties and events her friends in the old neighborhood/area had without ever inviting her. A few things were within days after her moving out. And she moved only four miles down the road I might add.
These were the women who had her back the entire time they lived there. They played tennis together. Set up schedules for meal delivery after births or illnesses. Their kids rotated houses for playdates and sleepovers. The husbands and wives got together several times a month. These people were tight.
She never heard from any of them again once she moved. Every instance of communication was started by her and never reciprocated. This broke my heart for her.
Those women were never really her friends. They couldn’t possibly have been.
February 17, 2014 @ 9:59 am
Stacie…sounds like your sister and I live in identical neighborhoods. And I didn’t even move out of the neighborhood! I will say, it was 5 full months before someone in the neighborhood reminded me I could still be seen–I was pulling into my old driveway and the GUY who lived across the street stood on his porch and yelled it, across the street, ‘How ‘ya doin’ Des?’ I literally cried. I truly didn’t realize how much it impacted me. Some of these folks still see me at school events or on my same street and literally act like we’ve never met–it has opened my eyes quite a bit. Ironically, they know me when they want something from me, though…one in particular was selling girl scout cookies for her daughter. I went by their house to put the check in the mailbox and they pulled up at the same time. It was emotional to see them, and I started to cry. When I explained how hurt I was that people turned their backs on me, she said ‘people don’t want to get in the middle of it’. I explained that’s not what I wanted, either. And that’s when I heard the, ‘it just makes us uncomfortable’ comment. Yeah, imagine how it makes me feel. I’ll certainly reach out to others I know in similar situations. And again, remember who was there for me when it mattered.
February 17, 2014 @ 2:50 pm
Very beautifully written, Desiree. That is exactly how I felt 20 years ago when I went through a divorce. It’s also very relevant to losing a loved one. Thanks for sharing. I am just amazed at how well you write and express your thoughts. Hugs to you!
February 17, 2014 @ 4:17 pm
Thank you, Dana. That means the world coming from you. And I’m sorry you had the same feelings two decades ago. We’ve come so far in so many other things…you’d think women would have outgrown the need to gossip, too, or to alienate others. I guess the wise women have. xo to you!
February 25, 2014 @ 4:54 pm
Desiree, My heart goes out to you. Divorce is one of the most trying time we face in life. My world shattered 14 years ago. Stay healthy (eat healthy foods), find an outlet for the stress, and try to keep in mind that you will emerge a more vital YOU. A big warm virtual hug headed your way.
March 8, 2014 @ 6:54 pm
I’m glad you were my true friend (and still are), when I went through all of that years ago. And as you know too – I found a whole new group of real friends to help me move forward. You will too & I’m always here if you need me!
March 8, 2014 @ 7:00 pm
So happy to have you as one of those friends I know I can always call on…for anything. xo Martha…and thank you. Sincerely.
March 24, 2014 @ 11:53 am
So well written Des. Kudos to you for your authenticity and transparency. I’d like to think I never did that to a friend but this article will make SURE I don’t do it in the future. Love ya girl!
March 24, 2014 @ 1:48 pm
Thank you Maria. xo
September 23, 2014 @ 12:58 pm
Thank you Maria…love ya right back!
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